My hubby and I are by no means marriage experts. We don’t have it all figured out, and we definitely don’t have a perfect marriage, but we’re constantly asking God for wisdom in our relationship. We’ve tried our best to be intentional in this season of parenting young kids when it comes to dating one another and making sure that intimacy is a top priority. Life gets busy, and kids add a whole different level of craziness, but it’s so important to remember that our marriage came before the kids. There is a lot that plays into intimacy, and as I share a few ways to increase intimacy in marriage, I understand that I don’t know your marriage or what you’ve gone through. Marriage is complex and there isn’t a perfect one out there. Although I can’t speak to your marriage, I do believe that these small acts can increase intimacy in any marriage.
- Pray together
There have been seasons where my husband and I have been so intentional with praying together weekly, and other times where we’re lucky if it’s once a month. I will say that I can always tell when we are being consistent in this area. There is a closeness and a vulnerability that comes with bringing all of our needs before our Maker. We spend time writing out our requests and praises in a journal and then we spend time asking God for wisdom in our marriage, parenting, intimacy and life decisions. We pray for areas of struggle, we pray for the desires that God has placed on our hearts, and ultimately surrender it all to Him. This gives us time to connect and reminds us Who is in control. It also gives us an opportunity to look back on our journal to see prayers that God has answered in our lives and the lives of those around us! Schedule this time in your calendar with a notification reminder will help to make this happen regularly. - Communication
Communication is key in every relationship! When it comes to what is on our hearts, our spouses should be the first we talk to; whether it’s our dreams, desires, what the Lord is teaching us, or even the funny things that the kids said that day. Intimacy can’t grow if we aren’t communicating well. We also should be communicating expectations with one another. Expectations of roles we each play in our families, expectations regarding frequency of sexual intimacy, how we feel most loved by one another, and what we can do to best serve and love each other the way God wants us to. - Nonsexual touch
I love when my husband seeks me out when he walks in the door or comes to put his arms around me while I’m in the kitchen. It shows me that he cares and desires to be close to me. This may not be one of my top love languages, but it sure helps our connection when he shows he loves me throughout the day with nonsexual physical touch. It also doesn’t come as a surprise to me when he pursues me in a sexual way because there is a consistency in his physical acts of love. This should go both ways – husband to wife and wife to husband. Find out how your spouse likes to be touched in a nonphysical way and make it a priority throughout the day! - Get creative with sex
Sex should be fun with our spouses! There are seasons where it may feel difficult to connect (sleepless nights with newborns, stressful seasons of life, emotional disconnection, etc), but we should try our best to make sex a priority! In the season of life with little kids we have to get creative. Maybe it means waking up a little early to have optimal energy in the morning, or meeting for a lunch break or putting a show on for the kids! It may also be wise to schedule it into your calendar if it seems like it’s hard to find time to make it happen. - Make more time together
Wake up together, go to bed together, work out together, go to kids activities together. Make intentional time together whenever possible. In our culture where a lot of homes have two full time working parents, kids are in school all day with activities to follow; it is not abnormal for spouses to feel distant from one another. Maybe logistically it’s easy to work together as a team, deciding who does what around the house, and how kids are getting to and from their extra-curriculars, but moments to really connect on a deep level are hard to find unless it’s made a top priority. I so desire to live life with my husband! If we’re committing to a kid’s activity then it will be a family event because time together creates intimacy. We wake up at the same time and sip our coffee while we read our Bibles. We may not be talking at this time, but we are together. Our evenings are often spent cuddled up in front of a favorite show, doing a puzzle, or sitting and talking. Togetherness in a marriage is so important and the busyness of our “hustle” culture doesn’t allow it.
My dad once told me, “If you don’t plan it in, plan it out.” We must plan out time to pour into our marriages and make it a top priority. I hope these are helpful reminders as we desire to love our spouses more deeply and intimately.
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